I felt like I was stuck in a loop for years. In a loop of trying to figure out where, when and how. In a loop of experiencing the same single message over and over. Teach. I would meet teachers, be asked if I was a teacher or people assumed I was a certified public-school teacher. The experiences were constant, consistent and often bothered me.
In a grocery store while shopping I would see a cup with the words teach on it. I’d back my car out of my driveway and see my waving neighbor who was a school principal. I’d drive into my driveway on another day and see another waving neighbor who was a school teacher and then I’d get a text from a friend who was a school teacher. I’d even be at various doctor’s offices through the years sitting and waiting to be called in for an appointment and people would start conversations with me and I would later learn they were a school teacher. I’d be at a restaurant with my kids and people would ask if I was a teacher. Also, there were moments when I would be at my kid’s school competitions and random students from other schools would ask me questions mistaking me for the teacher leading the event. When I was inside a school volunteering teachers would ask me for advice or just want to talk to me. I often questioned why they confided in me. The teacher reminders were relentless through the years but I knew being a traditional public, private or magnate school certified teacher was not the path I wanted to take. I’ve seen and experienced so many things on so many levels pre-k through 12th grade. We are failing to meet the basic needs of young students and have failed to prepare our growing young adult students for common real-world experiences. I constantly questioned what is teaching and, is it what teachers (that I see) in schools are really doing? Can you really call making kids constantly comply with multiple rules teaching? Are we really just molding students to be obedient?
Years ago, my friend told me to try substitute teaching and that after doing this for a while my future path would be clear. He said if it’s right doors will open and if it’s not doors will stay closed. I started with being a student mentor and did this for more than ten years. I substitute taught for almost as long. The path never got clearer. It just got more confusing, exhausting, frustrating and I was just tolerating going because it was a paycheck. I loved the students I met and found joy in learning how they see our world. I know I’m a great teacher, but I felt like I was drowning in the school rules, felt the solitude in the classroom, sensed the fear of others, saw veteran teachers on the verge of burnout and I was exhausted with the baptism by fire feeling every time I was in a school. I knew substitute teaching was the closest I would ever get to being a certified teacher and knew substitute teachers only experience a snapshot of what the day-to-day life of a teacher of record.
Last week I was thinking about teaching again and thought maybe I misunderstood the messages. Maybe I missed the mark. Maybe I failed the assignment. Mentoring was great but I was trying too hard to make it work. My time as a substitute teacher in different schools drained my energy. I have learned that teaching expresses itself in many shapes and forms. After almost a decade I’ve returned to Tai Chi and almost after more than 20 years doing Yoga again. This time in class my confidence is stronger. I feel more comfortable. I feel more relaxed. I have work to do, but it all feels right. I feel the urge to want to teach in this setting. Maybe teaching Yoga or Tai Chi is where I am supposed to be.
If I’m right about teaching Tai Chi or Yoga it kind of sucks that it’s taken me all this time to get to this moment. I have to go through all the protocols, do all the training and become certified, but I now know this is where I need to be. This feels easy. This feels right.
Copyright©2025 by Allura Eshmun